As we approach exam season, I thought it would be a good idea to share some advice, for parents

Parents (myself included)

Your wealth and children are only a test, but Allah ˹alone˺ has a great reward. (64:15)

As Muslim parents we must be aware that our children are an amaanah from Allah, to nurture, support, and raise with Islamic values.  Our children are, however, not an extension of us.  They should not be expected to uphold family traditions of certain careers.  Not every child wants to, or is destined to, be a doctor or a lawyer or an engineer.  Not every child excels in secular studies but they may be extremely creative, or gifted in another area.

Allah (swt) says in the Qur’an, “O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who disobey not, (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allah, but do that which they are commanded” (Tahreem: 6)

Therefore it’s important to remember , it is part of our role to educate them, our sons AND our daughters, but not at the detriment of their Deen and not at the detriment of their mental health.  Remember that each child will achieve to the best of THEIR ability.  Rather than enforcing a certain grade, encourage consistency in study and discipline.  Encourage a positive outlook on education.  Boost the areas they naturally align to and support them in the areas they need more help in.  

There came a few desert Arabs to the Prophet (saw) and said, “‘Do you kiss your children?’ He (saw) said, ‘Yes.’ Thereupon they said, ‘By Allah (swt) but we do not kiss our children.’ Thereupon the Prophet (saw) said, ‘Then what can I do if Allah (saw) has deprived you of mercy?’ …” (Sahih Muslim).

The Prophet SAW encouraged us to show compassion, love, justice and mercy to our children.  This applies to their school grades too.  Often, parents lose sight of this when grade cards come out.  Your child is so much more than a grade but you are defining them and displaying your love or lack of it, based on a grade.  

So what should a Muslim parent do?

• Monitor screen time -Even adults struggle to get off their  devices, so how can we possibly expect children to be disciplined in this area?

• Spend time talking to your child - Discuss the areas they study and where they excel and where they struggle.  

If your child is great at art, you may want to encourage them with some supplies so they can do this in their leisure time too.  If they struggle with maths, you may want to subscribe to a platform that can help them practice, or spend a bit of time with them going through content ( this requires patience, so if you can’t guarantee this, it might be better to find an alternative approach)

• Together, discuss a reasonable plan of study - one that incorporates their Salah, worship, leisure time and family time.

I get so may parents tell me their children can’t attend Quran class or do any study because they have exams.  In my opinion, Hifdh students can take a break from new learning but there is no real excuse for giving up Quran lessons during this time.  In fact, it should be a way of rejuvenating the soul  and calming the stress.

 So sit down and make a plan - especially before exam week of their daily schedule and block times for these.  

• Set clear rules and expectations whilst understanding that sometimes children need time out.

This does NOT mean you can say “if you don’t get all 9s, don’t bother coming home”. Rather, “I expect you to spend x (reasonable) amount of time studying daily”.  As long as you do this, I don’t see any reason why you can’t play football etc. If I don’t see this, I will……”

This is important, and its important you follow through on this.

• Teach your child how to make dua - encourage their connection with Allah

• Make dua for your child - especially at Tahajjud

Our Lord! Grant us from among our wives and offspring, comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteousness. (Al-Furqan:74) 

If your child has studied and maintained their relationship with their Deen and made dua, then whatever grade they get is from Allah.  Be understanding of this.

My dear parents, it is so sad to hear of children who are afraid to go home because of fear of being beaten or  reprimanded over a bad grade.  This is not ok and is far from the Sunnah. My dear parents, fear Allah, for the day when you will have to answer for the amaanah he gave you to raise. Follow the guidance of the Prophet SAW, and don’t get deluded by the lure of the Dunya.

May Allah swt help us to parent our children with Islamic values, with kindness and understanding, following the example of the Prophet SAW, and not falling into the traps of Shaytan and people of ignorance.